Yes, I was wrong, and yes it does hurt to admit it. With all fairness, though, I'm not sure many people can actually warn you of what's about to hit you when your done with school. I had plenty of people trying - arguing against me telling me I'd miss it or that they were jealous of the classes I got to take, etc. - and all I did was stubbornly stand there like a two year-old exclaiming that I knew myself and I knew that I didn't like homework, and I knew I would do better with just one thing, not two, plus a marriage and cats.
Well, I probably actually do do better with two things, in fact (including a marriage and cats, and probably more). And as much as I swear that I hate homework, I became reliant on it; having a deadline for to be able to complete anything, the completion in itself being a reward, as well as it's fulfillment to feed/supply my self-worth. So between the admittal of being wrong in all those ways, plus not having the thing that my self-worth was reliant in... I went into a bit of shock/denial/pity-party that I think I am still going through.
Not that I have anyone else to blame; I knew the moment I realized I was repeating that phrase that I had mentally convinced myself to live on the wrong planet, and therefore, naturally, I had to figure out how to get off and where to go. But I didn't want to. After all, it's hard to get off a planet that no one else lives on because there's no one to watch and learn from. Not to mention lonely, and humiliating (it is called Planet Wrong, after all).
So what did I do to fix it? How did I get off the lonely planet Wrong? Where did I go, straight back to Earth or via other planets?
Nothing. I didn't. I stayed. Sorry, folks. After great writing and artwork, you thought this was going somewhere profound or helpful, but the truth is I have no freakin idea how to get off this dumb planet. It has a mean gravitational pull, and sometimes, when I've worked the hardest to get away from it and I relax a little, I get pulled right back into it, and look across the universe to normal human life wondering what it's like to live on planet Earth.
Which brings me to why I am writing this tonight, specifically, since I am honestly still having a hard time coping with lonely Wrong. I came across a quote in a book tonight, that's been a soothing balm for my freaked-out self of late. The book is North of Hope by Shannon Huffman Polson, and it's about her journey through grief at her fathers passing, intertwined with her physical journey down the same river he was killed at. It is so beautifully written, that as morbid as it might be, I find myself entranced by every page. This quote introduced the chapter that told about a day of cleaning out her father's house, when she finally relinquished control of the situation and just plain broke down.
"When a man finds that it is his destiny to suffer, he will have to accept suffering as his task; his single and unique task. He will have to acknowledge that even in suffering he is unique and alone in the universe. No one can relieve him of his suffering, or suffer in his place. His unique opportunity lies in the way he bears his burden." Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
And here's where I write something meaningful to summarize my thoughts of this quote: well crap.
Because let's face it, how many of us do a good job of actually dealing with the stuff we deal with? Throughout all of history people have been awful at dealing with their problems, blaming Sue, Juan, Frederick, Joseph, Ming, and Leisel for their own problems, complaining, and never fixing them themselves. No culture or time period is exempt (from what I know of history), so who is THIS guy to tell me to do anything different? Who are any of the hundreds of people that have said that same thing, do they think they are more special than the rest of us?
Maybe they are, if they're happy/content.
Or maybe they're just born "leaders" (which I say with respect :D) that just want to tell other people what to do in order to feel fulfilled themselves.
Or maybe they're both.
....
But perhaps I shouldn't be looking at them and yelling at them about how they're wrong, or that I don't agree. Perhaps I should look at my own planet and think about making it a little better. I mean, if I'm going to be stuck on here for a while at least I could put in some pretty flowers and garden gnomes or something. It may be planet Wrong, but it's my planet Wrong. Speaking of which, I should be able to change the name whenever I want since it's my planet, so maybe I don't want it to be known forever as "Wrong." I should change that.
Maybe someday I will rename my planet. Maybe someday I will figure out how to get off of it. Or maybe someday I will make it so nice that perhaps I won't feel the need to leave it so much.
But I think for now I will just plant some flowers.
