Plan or serve?

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?" Matthew 6:25 ESV

During the last three weeks I experienced something amazing. I met life-changing, stunningly beautiful people, saw wonderful (and heart breaking) things, and lead a great group of students, but none of these things are what I'm referring to. What I'm thinking of right now, is the transformative power of serving without boundaries; the energizing practice of serving without thinking of self. I've experienced how beautiful it is to serve others without care or concern for my own well-being. Now that I'm back in the States, I'm wondering if that is even possible here, or if it is impossible anywhere except on a mission trip where your food, lodging, clothing, and the daily activities are decided for you.

Through some counseling, I have figured out for a few months now that choices are honestly the cause of most of my stress. Initially I was paralyzed to make the wrong choice, but even with getting over that fear of making mistakes, there's still a lot of pressure to make a somewhat good choice most of the time. Ever since starting my current job almost a year ago I still take over an hour to get ready for work after I get out of the shower, whereas before I could get ready easily in 15 minutes. Most of that time is making decisions about what shoes, outfit, and jewelry I will wear, how to do my hair and makeup, and which purse and sweater to bring that won't entirely clash with my outfit. Then every day when I get home I am paralyzed by making the right decision of what to do with my time with my husband. What do we have for dinner? Should we have dessert and/or popcorn? Will I really work out tomorrow if I choose dessert tonight? TV show or movie? Which TV show, which movie? Movie in or out? Or board game? Which one? Read a book out loud together? For how long (because I might fall asleep)? Indulge and ignore chores now or do chores now and feel like we haven't relaxed this evening? Have separate time? What do I do in separate time? And that's just weekdays! Although I'm not sure that it's the right fix for my heart and character, I recognize that a healthy dose of the chill-pill could fix most of these problems, and I'm working on it. What I'm nervous about are the larger choices.

Now that I've been back from my mission trip for a few days, some of those larger choices are either too gross or too intimidating to ignore. When I came back from this trip I allowed myself to emotionally withhold re-integration for a few days as I focused on getting myself physically readjusted. During those few days I had a similar attitude as I did while on the trip: I was laid back, enjoying my time whatever it was I was doing, and genuinely interested in what others were feeling or doing. Then we started running out of food and the dishes started forming little piles from the few meals I had just eaten. The trash and litter smelled and the cat's meowed so loudly from mom being gone while only that other human was there to pet them. I had to look nice for work again, and think about what I was doing after work that I needed other clothes for. The receipts from while I was away had piled up and the finances and budget for the month probably needed readjusting. The toilets, sinks, and mirrors all had gross stains and spots, and my feet picked up a protective layer of crumbs when I walked across the kitchen. The car needed gas. The year's big project was staring me in the face, reminding me I lived in this house and needed to care about what happened to it all the time because we very well can't look like white trash now can we? And with each realization I felt my servant's heart slipping away. Hard choices leaked into my contentment and selfish decisions about how to entertain ourselves stole chunks of my joy.

And in such a stark contrast to what I just experienced for three weeks it was clear to me for the first time that Jesus was speaking to the servant's heart when he said not to worry about what we would wear or eat. I had always pictured that instruction from Jesus as just another item on a long list of how to live a better life, or at best, how to trust God. But thinking about not worrying about your life because someone told you to is just as effective as learning to make a budget because someone shows you how. You learn to budget by practicing making choices and looking at number patterns, but you learn to budget when you want something and you want it bad; like a house was for me because I knew how great it was versus an apartment, or a new toy as a kid because you know just how great that set of Playmobils will get along with their new family. For me, not worrying has a whole new appeal when I know the joy and liberation of what it feels like to get the focus off of me. Holy cow, does it feel good to not have to make decisions focused on my own selfishness.

As a task-oriented person, now that I've figured something out I'm already ready to jump in and start working on it. "Give me a list," brain says, "or we won't know how to do it." "Checking things off will make us feel good," heart adds. But I feel like this is where the warning alarms should go off because I think that's where I start to go wrong. Just like trying to make a budget with no goal ends often in frustration (maybe this comparison isn't helpful to you guys, but it sure is to me), changing your actions because someone told you to is not likely going to end in established new habits (even if that someone is someone you love a lot). Not worrying when I sit down to do the inevitable finances will only work if I remember that God has provided for me so that I can focus on loving him first, and then others as I "do myself" (or as I often mistakenly love myself as the MJ paraphrased version says). Not allowing myself to be anxious when faced with the decision of what to eat for the next week that will be healthy, affordable, and timely will only work when I remember that greater joy comes out of relationships built off genuine care and sacrifice to each other, rather than perfectly planned meals with culturally matching desserts. Finances are important, and well-planned meals do actually bring a significant amount of pleasure, but letting yourself focus on what will help the other people in the room flourish is priceless.

Missing people, but not sweat

Well, we're back from Cambodia! After 3 hours of sleep in 30 hours of travel on Tuesday, the 31st, we arrived at the airport at midnight and quickly departed off to our own beds to sleep as much of the night away as possible. But as much as Pastor Troy's recipe for speedily eradicating jet lag is working, my brain is not up to functioning at its normal capacity yet, so I'll keep this short.

I'm sorry to those that I told I would be blogging on this trip, since I clearly did not! I really had full intentions to, then at the last minute I decided to use a different device to keep track of the trip finances on (my main administrative duty), and that one did not have a big enough keyboard to comfortably write more than a tweet. I plan on taking a few days, or perhaps weeks, to share my stories. If you are really that interested, I believe there is a way for you to sign up to get email notifications when I post things. Most of you I know me on Facebook and/or we are on a texting basis, so text me or message me if you want to get those updates but can't figure it out.

For now, since my eyelids are heavy and my brain is stretching to think of words I think I knew before jet lag, I will just tell you that I am 1. not missing the humidity and the heat (although honestly, most of the time that was SO awful) but 2. Joyfully missing the beautiful people we had the privilege of ministering to. It was incredibly challenging to see certain horrors so up close and personal, but such a blessing to see God working through such humble and dedicated servants, and a privilege to meet them before - as the team director of AIM put it - the final "party." I feel truly blessed to have been able to go on this trip and so thankful that it was touched by God's blessing the whole way through.

Thank you so much for your prayers - I know that's why certain things worked out the way they did.