Plan or serve?

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?" Matthew 6:25 ESV

During the last three weeks I experienced something amazing. I met life-changing, stunningly beautiful people, saw wonderful (and heart breaking) things, and lead a great group of students, but none of these things are what I'm referring to. What I'm thinking of right now, is the transformative power of serving without boundaries; the energizing practice of serving without thinking of self. I've experienced how beautiful it is to serve others without care or concern for my own well-being. Now that I'm back in the States, I'm wondering if that is even possible here, or if it is impossible anywhere except on a mission trip where your food, lodging, clothing, and the daily activities are decided for you.

Through some counseling, I have figured out for a few months now that choices are honestly the cause of most of my stress. Initially I was paralyzed to make the wrong choice, but even with getting over that fear of making mistakes, there's still a lot of pressure to make a somewhat good choice most of the time. Ever since starting my current job almost a year ago I still take over an hour to get ready for work after I get out of the shower, whereas before I could get ready easily in 15 minutes. Most of that time is making decisions about what shoes, outfit, and jewelry I will wear, how to do my hair and makeup, and which purse and sweater to bring that won't entirely clash with my outfit. Then every day when I get home I am paralyzed by making the right decision of what to do with my time with my husband. What do we have for dinner? Should we have dessert and/or popcorn? Will I really work out tomorrow if I choose dessert tonight? TV show or movie? Which TV show, which movie? Movie in or out? Or board game? Which one? Read a book out loud together? For how long (because I might fall asleep)? Indulge and ignore chores now or do chores now and feel like we haven't relaxed this evening? Have separate time? What do I do in separate time? And that's just weekdays! Although I'm not sure that it's the right fix for my heart and character, I recognize that a healthy dose of the chill-pill could fix most of these problems, and I'm working on it. What I'm nervous about are the larger choices.

Now that I've been back from my mission trip for a few days, some of those larger choices are either too gross or too intimidating to ignore. When I came back from this trip I allowed myself to emotionally withhold re-integration for a few days as I focused on getting myself physically readjusted. During those few days I had a similar attitude as I did while on the trip: I was laid back, enjoying my time whatever it was I was doing, and genuinely interested in what others were feeling or doing. Then we started running out of food and the dishes started forming little piles from the few meals I had just eaten. The trash and litter smelled and the cat's meowed so loudly from mom being gone while only that other human was there to pet them. I had to look nice for work again, and think about what I was doing after work that I needed other clothes for. The receipts from while I was away had piled up and the finances and budget for the month probably needed readjusting. The toilets, sinks, and mirrors all had gross stains and spots, and my feet picked up a protective layer of crumbs when I walked across the kitchen. The car needed gas. The year's big project was staring me in the face, reminding me I lived in this house and needed to care about what happened to it all the time because we very well can't look like white trash now can we? And with each realization I felt my servant's heart slipping away. Hard choices leaked into my contentment and selfish decisions about how to entertain ourselves stole chunks of my joy.

And in such a stark contrast to what I just experienced for three weeks it was clear to me for the first time that Jesus was speaking to the servant's heart when he said not to worry about what we would wear or eat. I had always pictured that instruction from Jesus as just another item on a long list of how to live a better life, or at best, how to trust God. But thinking about not worrying about your life because someone told you to is just as effective as learning to make a budget because someone shows you how. You learn to budget by practicing making choices and looking at number patterns, but you learn to budget when you want something and you want it bad; like a house was for me because I knew how great it was versus an apartment, or a new toy as a kid because you know just how great that set of Playmobils will get along with their new family. For me, not worrying has a whole new appeal when I know the joy and liberation of what it feels like to get the focus off of me. Holy cow, does it feel good to not have to make decisions focused on my own selfishness.

As a task-oriented person, now that I've figured something out I'm already ready to jump in and start working on it. "Give me a list," brain says, "or we won't know how to do it." "Checking things off will make us feel good," heart adds. But I feel like this is where the warning alarms should go off because I think that's where I start to go wrong. Just like trying to make a budget with no goal ends often in frustration (maybe this comparison isn't helpful to you guys, but it sure is to me), changing your actions because someone told you to is not likely going to end in established new habits (even if that someone is someone you love a lot). Not worrying when I sit down to do the inevitable finances will only work if I remember that God has provided for me so that I can focus on loving him first, and then others as I "do myself" (or as I often mistakenly love myself as the MJ paraphrased version says). Not allowing myself to be anxious when faced with the decision of what to eat for the next week that will be healthy, affordable, and timely will only work when I remember that greater joy comes out of relationships built off genuine care and sacrifice to each other, rather than perfectly planned meals with culturally matching desserts. Finances are important, and well-planned meals do actually bring a significant amount of pleasure, but letting yourself focus on what will help the other people in the room flourish is priceless.

Missing people, but not sweat

Well, we're back from Cambodia! After 3 hours of sleep in 30 hours of travel on Tuesday, the 31st, we arrived at the airport at midnight and quickly departed off to our own beds to sleep as much of the night away as possible. But as much as Pastor Troy's recipe for speedily eradicating jet lag is working, my brain is not up to functioning at its normal capacity yet, so I'll keep this short.

I'm sorry to those that I told I would be blogging on this trip, since I clearly did not! I really had full intentions to, then at the last minute I decided to use a different device to keep track of the trip finances on (my main administrative duty), and that one did not have a big enough keyboard to comfortably write more than a tweet. I plan on taking a few days, or perhaps weeks, to share my stories. If you are really that interested, I believe there is a way for you to sign up to get email notifications when I post things. Most of you I know me on Facebook and/or we are on a texting basis, so text me or message me if you want to get those updates but can't figure it out.

For now, since my eyelids are heavy and my brain is stretching to think of words I think I knew before jet lag, I will just tell you that I am 1. not missing the humidity and the heat (although honestly, most of the time that was SO awful) but 2. Joyfully missing the beautiful people we had the privilege of ministering to. It was incredibly challenging to see certain horrors so up close and personal, but such a blessing to see God working through such humble and dedicated servants, and a privilege to meet them before - as the team director of AIM put it - the final "party." I feel truly blessed to have been able to go on this trip and so thankful that it was touched by God's blessing the whole way through.

Thank you so much for your prayers - I know that's why certain things worked out the way they did.

Polar Bears in the Snow

I wonder what the thought process of the artist of the puzzle I did today was in its creation;  “Polar bears in the snow… genius!”  Some kind family member probably got the courage up to save the puzzling world from pure agony and kindly hinted that perhaps they put some clothes on the polar bears, or maybe something in the snow.  “Oh, great, like speckles?  That will make it artistic and fancy.  Great idea, thanks Gertrude.  I’ll name a polar bear after you.  That one in the middle.  We don’t want to make it too easy, though, because these puzzlers like a challenge, you know, so I’m going to make this picture star shaped; oh, and I’ll make the edges of the actual puzzle different than the edges of the box.  They’ll love that.”

Well thanks for your efforts, Gertrude, but it was still pure torture.  I know because yesterday was better than putting that puzzle together today, at least in the middle part.  And yesterday was an epically bad day at work, in addition to following weeks of building stress and exhaustion from the busiest time of year in retail, a week with a cold, and three weeks after a surgery I’m supposed to be recovering from.  Perhaps I subconsciously thought it would make me more grateful for my awful time at work through the excruciating process of putting white piece after white piece next to each other to see if that one fit, or that one, or that one…. 

Well it worked, I suppose.  Piece after piece, I kept mulling over all the stuff that happened yesterday and how it’s going to affect the future, and every bloody white piece that didn’t fit I thought, “how cheesy and ironic, that this trial of spotted snow/polar bear pieces – my chosen activity of the day – is like those times in life when nothing can go right.”

True, isn’t it?  We all work our little butts off to do the right thing and make a good living, and how much of that time are we just trying every single somewhat-distinctly correct looking piece of life to make it all work together?  I mean, every single one.  every.single.one.  And then when we do find that perfect piece sometimes there’s no question about it but sometimes it doesn’t look at all like we thought it would, so we second guess our decision, putting it aside to make sure it’s the right one by trying all the other possibilities first.

But oh the elation to get to the last few pieces, that you know must go SOMEwhere, and the likelihood of getting to put a whole bunch of correct pieces down in a row – well just the thought causes a whole bunch of mini-celebrations.  This is the point when you as a puzzler might look like a crazed, wild animal upon the discovery of a winter’s supply of food; eyes wide open as eyes, head, body and hands dart back and forth with your last ten pieces, putting them in place with a double finger tap for finality and a ridiculous grin across your face.

Well, of all the analogies that are overused, there might be some better ones I could have applied to my situation right now.  Running a long race, or any sport analogy for that matter all bring out similar points of perseverance and keeping on keeping on.  But there’s some value to this somewhat boring analogy, and it appeals to those who are not athletically gifted like myself.  

Firstly, the most satisfying puzzles to complete are almost always pictures of something beautiful. I suppose you might be able to argue the sports analogy side and say that if you are a good athlete you’ll end up a beautiful person, but we all know that that’s a petty and depressing way of looking at life.  What if life was really made up of all those times that you painstakingly tried every piece to fit into this one area of life, so that when you finally came across that plain-as-day piece that looked like every other one, you rejoiced?  If each piece had that significance, frustrating though it may have been, how much more special would your trials be to you once you realized how beautiful the final picture was?

Because, secondly and more importantly, every piece in the box goes somewhere.  Every. Single. One. I might want to forget yesterday or the fight I had with my husband this week, or the time I had to do this or that or the other thing that seemed really bad, but those experiences are a part of life and they came in my box, and they make up my puzzle.  My beautiful puzzle.

Any maybe we have more than one puzzle.  Or our lives are actually crazier than we realize and we’re filling out 10 puzzles at once.  In any case, despite my imperfect analogy, I suppose I feel better about my bad experiences lately.  At least I’m not putting that puzzle together.

Sunset After the Storm

Your love is brighter than the sky of a setting sun

That comes in the calm after a summer storm.

Each hue is more complex than I can comprehend,

Together making the most inexpressible combination

Of bright, fiery orange that somehow leads to pink,

That stretches to the violet majesty reaching over us.

I face towards the east, I look straight above

And gasp, and exclaim, "it's beautiful!

Look, family, look, friends, look, husband,

Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?!"

We stand there gazing at the royal hues,

Mouths agape, eyes alighted with wonder,

When someone walks toward us, facing West.

"Look," we exclaim, "look this way, look up!"

He turns his head, his gaze open, barely looking at us but through, it felt.

"Look!" We say, "you don't want to miss it, look up!"

He blinks twice, then turns West again, continuing to walk.

"Don't waste your time on him," someone says,

"This color might leave soon, we don't want to waste it."

But I can't help it, I must turn around. The look on his face....

It was radiant, like embers in a fire that had too much fuel.

And so I turn,

And so I collapse onto my knees, and cry with wonder.

This light, this color that I had clung to and thought so beautiful...

It was only the fingertips! There it is, in front of my face --

Too bright to look at but setting the sky aflame -- the source.

Shades of every pink and orange tropical fruit, blend across the heavens,

Brighter the closer they are to the source.

It is too complex to comprehend how the hues combine together;

How deep they reach into the heavens;

How widely they stretch across the sky;

How minutely they connect to create such a beautiful sight.

I see the people who had been behind me, their faces to me,

They look so dark, I can barely see their features.

The light is so beautiful; I walk forward.

Those who know me and love me, notice my turning and try to stop me,

In this way, they end up walking with me too, seeing the same sight I do.

We pass people who are standing still, looking up, some looking down,

Some lying down, sleeping, with blankets over their eyes.

I notice as we pass, how the sides of each individual that are towards the light

Are beaming a deep reddish, orange; 

A reflection. 

I look at those with me,

They are more beautiful now than I have ever seen them, 

their faces aglow with that secret ember I saw in the man before.

We smile big when we catch each other's eyes -

The warmth and the joy we feel are uncontainable, 

we must share it with each other.

And it is a joy to do so;

we could go on like this forever.

But the others.

The dark faces, the unknowing, the sadness of seeing only the tip.

I am happy just being in the light, just sharing the feeling with others,

But I must go. 

I know deep down, I must let others know.

I can't ignore everyone who doesn't understand the beauty of it,

I must share my knowledge with them,

I have to.

Because the light is so beautiful.

Because it makes everything shine in Its realm,

It makes everything else beautiful too.

Planet Wrong

This time last year I was experiencing pure elation as I finished college and got ready for what I was sure would be so much better than the torture I had endured thus far from school.  Then I graduated, had a lot of time off (which I thoroughly relished and did almost nothing useful during), and then got a promotion which *BAM*... sucked the life right out of me.  It took a month or two, but I realized something when I started repeating the college phrase, "I want to hang out, but I just don't have time," with only one job, not a job and school, or two jobs like my husband.  How could I not have time after what I just went through?  At this point I realized that I had in fact, been wrong.

Yes, I was wrong, and yes it does hurt to admit it.  With all fairness, though, I'm not sure many people can actually warn you of what's about to hit you when your done with school.  I had plenty of people trying - arguing against me telling me I'd miss it or that they were jealous of the classes I got to take, etc. - and all I did was stubbornly stand there like a two year-old exclaiming that I knew myself and I knew that I didn't like homework, and I knew I would do better with just one thing, not two, plus a marriage and cats.

Well, I probably actually do do better with two things, in fact (including a marriage and cats, and probably more).  And as much as I swear that I hate homework, I became reliant on it; having a deadline for to be able to complete anything, the completion in itself being a reward, as well as it's fulfillment to feed/supply my self-worth.  So between the admittal of being wrong in all those ways, plus not having the thing that my self-worth was reliant in... I went into a bit of shock/denial/pity-party that I think I am still going through.

Not that I have anyone else to blame; I knew the moment I realized I was repeating that phrase that I had mentally convinced myself to live on the wrong planet, and therefore, naturally, I had to figure out how to get off and where to go.  But I didn't want to.  After all, it's hard to get off a planet that no one else lives on because there's no one to watch and learn from.   Not to mention lonely, and humiliating (it is called Planet Wrong, after all).

So what did I do to fix it? How did I get off the lonely planet Wrong? Where did I go, straight back to Earth or via other planets?

Nothing.  I didn't.  I stayed.  Sorry, folks.  After great writing and artwork, you thought this was going somewhere profound or helpful, but the truth is I have no freakin idea how to get off this dumb planet. It has a mean gravitational pull, and sometimes, when I've worked the hardest to get away from it and I relax a little, I get pulled right back into it, and look across the universe to normal human life wondering what it's like to live on planet Earth. 

Which brings me to why I am writing this tonight, specifically, since I am honestly still having a hard time coping with lonely Wrong.  I came across a quote in a book tonight, that's been a soothing balm for my freaked-out self of late. The book is  North of Hope by Shannon Huffman Polson, and it's about her journey through grief at her fathers passing, intertwined with her physical journey down the same river he was killed at.  It is so beautifully written, that as morbid as it might be, I find myself entranced by every page.  This quote introduced the chapter that told about a day of cleaning out her father's house, when she finally relinquished control of the situation and just plain broke down.

"When a man finds that it is his destiny to suffer, he will have to accept suffering as his task; his single and unique task. He will have to acknowledge that even in suffering he is unique and alone in the universe.  No one can relieve him of his suffering, or suffer in his place.  His unique opportunity lies in the way he bears his burden." Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

And here's where I write something meaningful to summarize my thoughts of this quote: well crap.

Because let's face it, how many of us do a good job of actually dealing with the stuff we deal with? Throughout all of history people have been awful at dealing with their problems, blaming Sue, Juan, Frederick, Joseph, Ming, and Leisel for their own problems, complaining, and never fixing them themselves. No culture or time period is exempt (from what I know of history), so who is THIS guy to tell me to do anything different? Who are any of the hundreds of people that have said that same thing, do they think they are more special than the rest of us?

Maybe they are, if they're happy/content.  

Or maybe they're just born "leaders" (which I say with respect :D) that just want to tell other people what to do in order to feel fulfilled themselves.  

Or maybe they're both.

....

But perhaps I shouldn't be looking at them and yelling at them about how they're wrong, or that I don't agree.  Perhaps I should look at my own planet and think about making it a little better.  I mean, if I'm going to be stuck on here for a while at least I could put in some pretty flowers and garden gnomes or something.  It may be planet Wrong, but it's my planet Wrong.  Speaking of which, I should be able to change the name whenever I want since it's my planet, so maybe I don't want it to be known forever as "Wrong."  I should change that.

Maybe someday I will rename my planet.  Maybe someday I will figure out how to get off of it.  Or maybe someday I will make it so nice that perhaps I won't feel the need to leave it so much.  

But I think for now I will just plant some flowers.